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<h1>Can We Build a Better Man?</h1>

<p>Millions of pages have been devoted to demystifying
the relationship between men and women, unpacking gendered power dynamics, and
more recently, to interrogating toxic masculinity and finding ways to hold some
men accountable for their bad behavior. What is now known as the #MeToo
movement began more than a decade ago, when activist Tarana Burke launched a
conversation around sexual harassment and assault often experienced by women
and femmes with the powerful phrase “me too.”</p>



<p>But what role do men have to play in ending this epidemic, and divorcing themselves from the toxic masculinity that underlies this behavior? We asked authors, organizers, journalists, and leaders to weigh in on the same question: <strong>What is men’s role in the #MeToo movement, and what does a new or nontoxic masculinity look like? </strong></p>



<div><figure><img src="https://www.yesmagazine.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/mentoo-tarana-burke.jpg" alt="" width="250" height="250"/></figure></div>



<p><strong>Tarana Burke, founder of the “me too.” Movement</strong></p>



<p>“Men’s first and most important role in the <a href="https://metoomvmt.org/">‘me too.’ movement</a> is as survivors. If we want to have less-toxic
men, then one thing we can do is create spaces for them to be vulnerable and
have access to healing. So much of the dominant narrative around ‘me too.’ is
about attacks on men and ‘manhood’ that it places men on the defensive. They
think they have to ‘protect’ themselves from #MeToo, when they can play a huge
role in shifting the culture that props up sexual violence by listening to how
much it affects the material lives of women. Men could be less defensive or
dismissive about #MeToo, beyond how it might help their ‘moms, wives, sisters,
nieces and daughters,’ and think about how their behavior creates the space for
violence—physical, emotional, mental and cultural—to happen.”</p>



<div><figure><img src="https://www.yesmagazine.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/mentoo-alex-meyers.jpg" alt="" width="250" height="250"/></figure></div>



<p><strong>Alex Myers, gender identity educator and author of <em>Revolutionary, Continental Divide</em> and <em>The Story of Silence</em></strong></p>



<p>“As a trans guy, I sometimes tend to emphasize
the trans, ignore the guy. But this moment in masculine response requires a
special attention to weight, to balance. Balance between the part of me that
was raised and socialized and moved through the world as a girl and young
woman, the part of me that was touched and talked to and treated in a way that
so many girls and young women are. The part of me that wants to say, loudly and
clearly: that was me, too. And the part of me that now lives as and moves
through and takes up space in this world as a guy.</p>



<p>Guys get more space. Guys get more airtime. And
it’s important that I cede that right back to the people and the stories that
have been denied it. And yet, trans guys have a place in #MeToo. We have
stories that matter in this moment. Like so many other aspects of trans
identity, it’s a question of finding the words, finding the room, finding the
balance.”</p>



<div><figure><img src="https://www.yesmagazine.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/mentoo-sady-doyle.jpg" alt="" width="250" height="250"/></figure></div>



<p><strong>Sady Doyle, journalist and author of <em>Dead Blondes and Bad Mothers: Monstrosity,
Patriarchy and the Fear of Female Power</em></strong></p>



<p>“I think men on the whole need to cultivate the
art of listening. They need to cultivate more empathy for women’s experiences,
and I think one of the ways we do that and break down toxic masculinity is for
men to cultivate deeper [platonic] relationships with women in their lives.</p>



<p>We have a really weird culture, wherein men and
women don’t actually sit down and talk to each other on a deep level, unless
they’re about to get married. That creates a world where it’s really easy for
men to not know what women are going through. It’s really easy for men to not
understand the sheer pervasiveness of sexual violence and sexual harassment.
They don’t have women in their lives who trust them enough to talk about it, so
they give their guy friends a pass, they don’t understand what’s going on or
how common it is, and when an individual story floats up, it’s easy to
disbelieve it if it doesn’t sound like all the other stories you’ve been
hearing.”</p>



<div><figure><img src="https://www.yesmagazine.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/mentoo-tony-porter.jpg" alt="" width="250" height="250"/></figure></div>



<p><strong>Tony
Porter, Chief Executive Officer of A Call to Men</strong></p>



<p>“Although I’m cautious of it, I’m supportive of
the term ‘toxic masculinity’ because it keeps the discussion alive and engages
people in <a href="http://www.acalltomen.org/">this conversation in new
ways</a>. If we allow men to separate themselves by saying, ‘I’m not that
bad, those guys are the ones with the toxic behavior,’ we are missing the
greatest potential for change. The vast majority of men are not abusive, do not
sexually harass [or] sexually assault. But the vast majority of men are silent
about the violence, harassment, and abuse that women and girls and other oppressed
groups experience. That’s why I’m not willing to separate men into categories: ‘bad,’
‘just ignorant to the issues,’ ‘good.’ Doing so reinforces privilege by
allowing men the option to stay quiet, to opt out of the conversation, or
distance themselves from the issue. #MeToo has brought about an era of forced
self-reflection [for men, and] it’s uncomfortable. [But] we can use that
discomfort to create change. In that process, we must listen to women, believe
them and validate their experiences.”</p>



<div><figure><img src="https://www.yesmagazine.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/mentoo-earth-feather-sovereign.jpg" alt="" width="250" height="250"/></figure></div>



<p><strong>Earth-Feather
Sovereign, Founder of Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women Washington</strong></p>



<p>“Traditionally with our people, men are seen as
protectors. And I believe we need to encourage them to be more protective of
their matriarchs, their women, their mothers, their children. We need men to
know that it’s OK to have feelings, that it’s OK for them to cry, to be angry,
but to handle that anger in a way that is healthy and not toxic. </p>



<p>A lot of our <a href="https://www.facebook.com/MMIWWashington/">women are missing</a> due to toxic masculinity—men wanting to
sexualize and objectify women. I think the voices of men matter just as much as
women’s voices matter and we should encourage them to use their voices to
uplift women. We want men to feel confident of being protectors and providers,
not in a domineering and controlling way, but in a loving and caring way, and
not to be scared to express their feminine side.”</p>



<div><figure><img src="https://www.yesmagazine.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/mentoo-kalimah-johnson.jpg" alt="" width="250" height="250"/></figure></div>



<p><strong>Kalimah Johnson, Founder and Executive Director of
SASHA Center </strong></p>



<p>“In general, men’s role in the #MeToo Movement is to
have conversations with other men, helping them understand rape culture and
victim-blaming, and the role of patriarchy and racism that fuels it. I think it
is all men's responsibility to acknowledge the societal pressures that they
have had to succumb to that puts women and girls at risk around unhealthy, or
toxic masculinity. It’s men's responsibility to rethink what masculinity truly
means, and to be OK with their expression along the continuum of what's
feminine and what's masculine. … </p>



<p>In particular, Black men have to unpack the legacy and
pain of lynching in this country—many of which happened at the accusation of
rape or sex with a White woman. Black men I’ve talked to have a very hard time
believing anybody is getting raped, and particularly Black women. And so that
causes a huge problem and barrier for Black men to be advocates in the #MeToo
movement. Those men were in a precarious situation where they weren't in a good
position to protect us. And then they also weren't in a position to protect
themselves. </p>



<p>I believe that it's difficult for Black men to really
believe that other Black men have that capacity. "Oh, that's what White
people do." We hear that in families a lot around molestation and child
sexual abuse. “Black people don't do that. White people do that.” We know
that's not true. But we say it like it is. It's the things that we say to make
it OK, with us not having to do anything about it, and having generation after
generation take child sexual abuse to their grave. What we want is for us to
start talking, and we can't get anything done if no one's talking.”</p>



<div><figure><img src="https://www.yesmagazine.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/mentoo-imara-jones.jpg" alt="" width="250" height="250"/></figure></div>



<p><strong>Imara Jones, journalist and creator of <em>TransLash</em></strong></p>



<p>“I think the role of men in the #MeToo movement is to
hold other men accountable for their behavior. The greatest influence on men's
behavior is other men. And so it's essential that men take a key role in
holding other men accountable for their actions, which are sexist, misogynist,
and patriarchal in nature.&nbsp;</p>



<p>And I think, fundamentally, what a nontoxic
masculinity looks like, is a masculinity without patriarchy. And it’s essential
for us to achieve that, that men do the internal work to figure out the ways in
which they constantly place&nbsp;their&nbsp;needs and their desires above
everyone else's. Once that stops, we can have a world without toxic masculinity
and without patriarchy.” </p>



<div><figure><img src="https://www.yesmagazine.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/mentoo-kendrick-sampson.jpg" alt="" width="250" height="250"/></figure></div>



<p><strong>Kendrick Sampson, activist and actor in <em>How to Get
Away with Murder</em>, <em>The Vampire Diaries</em> and <em>Gracepoint </em></strong></p>



<p>“Men’s role in the #MeToo movement is to listen,
participate and amplify the voices of those who have been impacted. I wouldn't
suggest anyone be shamed into sharing their experience, but I do want to urge
men who have experienced sexual harassment and violence to join the movement,
to let other men know it’s OK and that they’re not alone. … </p>



<p>We need to listen and redefine the way we approach
consent and have those uncomfortable conversations with other men. We must be
bold in changing the culture of sexual violence and diligently identify and end
our personal participation and encouragement of it. If we are not active, we
are complicit. </p>



<p>We need to understand that we live in a society that
has taught us, in big and small unnoticeable ways, to oppress womxn, non-binary
people and queer people in ways we won’t ever understand if we are not vigilant
in examining and questioning the way we operate.&nbsp; </p>



<p>Most of us know nothing outside of systems that have
been built to uphold White supremacy in this country. Most of us didn’t (and
still don’t) realize the <a href="https://www.theroot.com/star-spangled-bigotry-the-hidden-racist-history-of-the-1790855893">history of White
supremacy</a> behind things like our national anthem. We need to identify those
‘Star Spangled Banner’ equivalents in the culture of sexual violence in which
we live.” </p>



<div><figure><img src="https://www.yesmagazine.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/mentoo-maru-mora-villalpando.jpg" alt="" width="250" height="250"/></figure></div>



<p><strong>Maru Mora Villalpando, undocumented community
organizer and co-founder of La Resistencia </strong></p>



<p>“The role of men in the #MeToo movement is critical. We live in a patriarchal society, therefore men have the responsibility to be anti-patriarchal and create a process for their peers to understand it and undo it. For us <a href="https://www.advocate.com/transgender/2015/07/31/true-meaning-word-cisgender">cisgender</a> women of color, being part of a growing queer and trans grassroots movement makes it imperative to create a space where all these communities can lead. It is up to cis men to confront their privilege and work to create a space where all genders can participate and lead.</p>

<p>This article originally appeared in <a href="https://www.yesmagazine.org">Yes! Magazine</a> at <a href="https://www.yesmagazine.org/issue/building-bridges/2019/11/12/can-we-build-a-better-man">https://www.yesmagazine.org/issue/building-bridges/2019/11/12/can-we-build-a-better-man</a>.</p><link href="https://www.yesmagazine.org/issue/building-bridges/2019/11/12/can-we-build-a-better-man" rel="canonical"/><p>Yes! Magazine is a nonprofit, independent media organization dedicated to telling stories of ... . Learn more at <a href="https://www.yesmagazine.org">Yes! Magazine</a></p><img id="republication-tracker-tool-source" src="https://www.yesmagazine.org/?republication-pixel=true&post=72510&ga4=G-74QJNNY44Z" style="width:1px;height:1px;">

Can We Build a Better Man?

Millions of pages have been devoted to demystifying
the relationship between men and women, unpacking gendered power dynamics, and
more recently, to interrogating toxic masculinity and finding ways to hold some
men accountable for their bad behavior. What is now known as the #MeToo
movement began more than a decade ago, when activist Tarana Burke launched a
conversation around sexual harassment and assault often experienced by women
and femmes with the powerful phrase “me too.”

But what role do men have to play in ending this epidemic, and divorcing themselves from the toxic masculinity that underlies this behavior? We asked authors, organizers, journalists, and leaders to weigh in on the same question: What is men’s role in the #MeToo movement, and what does a new or nontoxic masculinity look like?

Tarana Burke, founder of the “me too.” Movement

“Men’s first and most important role in the ‘me too.’ movement is as survivors. If we want to have less-toxic
men, then one thing we can do is create spaces for them to be vulnerable and
have access to healing. So much of the dominant narrative around ‘me too.’ is
about attacks on men and ‘manhood’ that it places men on the defensive. They
think they have to ‘protect’ themselves from #MeToo, when they can play a huge
role in shifting the culture that props up sexual violence by listening to how
much it affects the material lives of women. Men could be less defensive or
dismissive about #MeToo, beyond how it might help their ‘moms, wives, sisters,
nieces and daughters,’ and think about how their behavior creates the space for
violence—physical, emotional, mental and cultural—to happen.”

Alex Myers, gender identity educator and author of Revolutionary, Continental Divide and The Story of Silence

“As a trans guy, I sometimes tend to emphasize
the trans, ignore the guy. But this moment in masculine response requires a
special attention to weight, to balance. Balance between the part of me that
was raised and socialized and moved through the world as a girl and young
woman, the part of me that was touched and talked to and treated in a way that
so many girls and young women are. The part of me that wants to say, loudly and
clearly: that was me, too. And the part of me that now lives as and moves
through and takes up space in this world as a guy.

Guys get more space. Guys get more airtime. And
it’s important that I cede that right back to the people and the stories that
have been denied it. And yet, trans guys have a place in #MeToo. We have
stories that matter in this moment. Like so many other aspects of trans
identity, it’s a question of finding the words, finding the room, finding the
balance.”

Sady Doyle, journalist and author of Dead Blondes and Bad Mothers: Monstrosity,
Patriarchy and the Fear of Female Power

“I think men on the whole need to cultivate the
art of listening. They need to cultivate more empathy for women’s experiences,
and I think one of the ways we do that and break down toxic masculinity is for
men to cultivate deeper [platonic] relationships with women in their lives.

We have a really weird culture, wherein men and
women don’t actually sit down and talk to each other on a deep level, unless
they’re about to get married. That creates a world where it’s really easy for
men to not know what women are going through. It’s really easy for men to not
understand the sheer pervasiveness of sexual violence and sexual harassment.
They don’t have women in their lives who trust them enough to talk about it, so
they give their guy friends a pass, they don’t understand what’s going on or
how common it is, and when an individual story floats up, it’s easy to
disbelieve it if it doesn’t sound like all the other stories you’ve been
hearing.”

Tony
Porter, Chief Executive Officer of A Call to Men

“Although I’m cautious of it, I’m supportive of
the term ‘toxic masculinity’ because it keeps the discussion alive and engages
people in this conversation in new
ways. If we allow men to separate themselves by saying, ‘I’m not that
bad, those guys are the ones with the toxic behavior,’ we are missing the
greatest potential for change. The vast majority of men are not abusive, do not
sexually harass [or] sexually assault. But the vast majority of men are silent
about the violence, harassment, and abuse that women and girls and other oppressed
groups experience. That’s why I’m not willing to separate men into categories: ‘bad,’
‘just ignorant to the issues,’ ‘good.’ Doing so reinforces privilege by
allowing men the option to stay quiet, to opt out of the conversation, or
distance themselves from the issue. #MeToo has brought about an era of forced
self-reflection [for men, and] it’s uncomfortable. [But] we can use that
discomfort to create change. In that process, we must listen to women, believe
them and validate their experiences.”

Earth-Feather
Sovereign, Founder of Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women Washington

“Traditionally with our people, men are seen as
protectors. And I believe we need to encourage them to be more protective of
their matriarchs, their women, their mothers, their children. We need men to
know that it’s OK to have feelings, that it’s OK for them to cry, to be angry,
but to handle that anger in a way that is healthy and not toxic.

A lot of our women are missing due to toxic masculinity—men wanting to
sexualize and objectify women. I think the voices of men matter just as much as
women’s voices matter and we should encourage them to use their voices to
uplift women. We want men to feel confident of being protectors and providers,
not in a domineering and controlling way, but in a loving and caring way, and
not to be scared to express their feminine side.”

Kalimah Johnson, Founder and Executive Director of
SASHA Center

“In general, men’s role in the #MeToo Movement is to
have conversations with other men, helping them understand rape culture and
victim-blaming, and the role of patriarchy and racism that fuels it. I think it
is all men's responsibility to acknowledge the societal pressures that they
have had to succumb to that puts women and girls at risk around unhealthy, or
toxic masculinity. It’s men's responsibility to rethink what masculinity truly
means, and to be OK with their expression along the continuum of what's
feminine and what's masculine. …

In particular, Black men have to unpack the legacy and
pain of lynching in this country—many of which happened at the accusation of
rape or sex with a White woman. Black men I’ve talked to have a very hard time
believing anybody is getting raped, and particularly Black women. And so that
causes a huge problem and barrier for Black men to be advocates in the #MeToo
movement. Those men were in a precarious situation where they weren't in a good
position to protect us. And then they also weren't in a position to protect
themselves.

I believe that it's difficult for Black men to really
believe that other Black men have that capacity. "Oh, that's what White
people do." We hear that in families a lot around molestation and child
sexual abuse. “Black people don't do that. White people do that.” We know
that's not true. But we say it like it is. It's the things that we say to make
it OK, with us not having to do anything about it, and having generation after
generation take child sexual abuse to their grave. What we want is for us to
start talking, and we can't get anything done if no one's talking.”

Imara Jones, journalist and creator of TransLash

“I think the role of men in the #MeToo movement is to
hold other men accountable for their behavior. The greatest influence on men's
behavior is other men. And so it's essential that men take a key role in
holding other men accountable for their actions, which are sexist, misogynist,
and patriarchal in nature.

And I think, fundamentally, what a nontoxic
masculinity looks like, is a masculinity without patriarchy. And it’s essential
for us to achieve that, that men do the internal work to figure out the ways in
which they constantly place their needs and their desires above
everyone else's. Once that stops, we can have a world without toxic masculinity
and without patriarchy.”

Kendrick Sampson, activist and actor in How to Get
Away with Murder, The Vampire Diaries and Gracepoint

“Men’s role in the #MeToo movement is to listen,
participate and amplify the voices of those who have been impacted. I wouldn't
suggest anyone be shamed into sharing their experience, but I do want to urge
men who have experienced sexual harassment and violence to join the movement,
to let other men know it’s OK and that they’re not alone. …

We need to listen and redefine the way we approach
consent and have those uncomfortable conversations with other men. We must be
bold in changing the culture of sexual violence and diligently identify and end
our personal participation and encouragement of it. If we are not active, we
are complicit.

We need to understand that we live in a society that
has taught us, in big and small unnoticeable ways, to oppress womxn, non-binary
people and queer people in ways we won’t ever understand if we are not vigilant
in examining and questioning the way we operate.

Most of us know nothing outside of systems that have
been built to uphold White supremacy in this country. Most of us didn’t (and
still don’t) realize the history of White
supremacy behind things like our national anthem. We need to identify those
‘Star Spangled Banner’ equivalents in the culture of sexual violence in which
we live.”

Maru Mora Villalpando, undocumented community
organizer and co-founder of La Resistencia

“The role of men in the #MeToo movement is critical. We live in a patriarchal society, therefore men have the responsibility to be anti-patriarchal and create a process for their peers to understand it and undo it. For us cisgender women of color, being part of a growing queer and trans grassroots movement makes it imperative to create a space where all these communities can lead. It is up to cis men to confront their privilege and work to create a space where all genders can participate and lead.

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